Sunday, July 3, 2011

Das Sepulchre meiner Existenz

When I was young I used to have recurring nightmares, I had them even before I could remember my life, my mother told me at one point that I used to scream bloody murder all the time in my sleep. Night Terrors she and my father were worried, of course this was before life went south for everyone in the family. But I used to have dreams of death before I could walk, when I got older and told my mother of the memories of my dreams she told me there was no way I could remember that far back, she didn't believe me until I started giving accurate details of our house and events of that time, I had recurring nightmares of death and decay, one recurring dream was of a huge temple like area made of sandstone with skeletons propped as if they were delivering a service or ritual, another would be of seeing decaying corpses in various parts of the house,  I used to read into these and other dreams I had that seemed supernatural deeply, I believe now that whatever mystical message or purpose they had for me were simple or maybe just myself being aware of death at a young age. When I was younger, a teenager/early twenties, I never feared death, actually I sought it quite often with intentional over use of drugs, trying to get high on caustic chemicals, trying at times to overdose, I wasn't afraid to die. And it was all too real several times, blacking out on some substance or other, saying to myself, this is it, its over... At those points when I most likely should have died, where I lost cognition, I didn't see another side it was just empty, the only real experience I have had with other places was with salvia and only recently. I had done salvia before but never had cognition or linear thinking like I had this past year, once was just an attempt to have a true out of body experience, another was to evoke a deity or as I have been told, a mask of the void. I know there is another side, but the dimensions are nothing like here and there are so many angles to go that it is overwhelming. I don't necessarily believe in gods angels demons or anything that you can find in books, at least none I have read. but there are something else out there, and other angles of existence at least I have experienced them even if just in hallucination, which makes them real on some level. so i am going to write a pseudo-fictional idea of these things from my brief encounter in my next post.

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